I think I am going to end up all alone. Not without a life partner but without a friend. I have always had the tendency to not name a single friend to be my “best”. Like I have seen people declaring people they have met only some months ago their “best friends” their “soul sisters” and I have always found it weird. I have never done that even with friends who I know since a few years. I have always found the term best to be really exclusive and I have always known that I have never shared enough with someone to call them my best.
I have believed that I have not yet met the right people. The people who I can converse with about the things I like, the things i dont and expect them to atleast know what the hell I am talking about. I have not yet found those people who I share the same interests with and up till now I had always expected them to find them later in my life. I have always had hope.
But I have been a little low lately. Mostly because of the fact that not only just the “best” ones, I dont have ANY friends left altogether. Earlier in school I was always the one with A LOT of friends. Maybe because life wasnt that stretched out back then and every thing wasnt meant to be taken that seriously. There were no judgements about one another and what the other person did with their life was none of my business. Lately I have developed this tendency to find faults in people and mentally distancing myself from them.
Which has led me to alienating myself from the only friends that I had left. I am 23 and without a friend so I might just end up all alone. I am kind of too sure of that.
I don’t know why I fear death this much. Not my own death but the death of people around me. Overthinking and imagining a life without them has become a daily routine before I go to bed. Falling asleep frightened and waking up feeling irritated.
There is just so much in life that I want to do. Just. So. Much. I want to meet new people. I want to meet a whole lot of people. I want to travel. Local trains. Morning tea. Street side food. Oily and fried snacks. Lush green valleys. Camps. Reading under a light bulb. Getting drenched in the rain. Running on a plain green field into infinity. I want to meet people and talk to them. Talk to people and not get judged. Talk to them because I want to and not because I have to. I want to not care about instagramming every moment of my life. I want to meet people and be friends with them. Friend who get me. Friends whom I want to strike a conversation with. Conversations that I am genuinely interested in. I want to talk about the weather. The philosophies of life. The meanings of it all. Talk about enlightenment. Try to achieve some more. I want to meet my soul mate. I want her/him to find me. I want to break free. I want to not think about home. I want to run. Break free. Somewhere where I can start afresh. Where I am not constantly supposed to do something every time I reach a certain age. Just. I. Want. To. Do. So much. I want to start now. Never come back.
So there are two ways to go about things. One is where you fret over little issues, over think and obsessively overanalyse:
1) situations that have happened in the past, wondering all the alternate ways they could have ended with. Which cannot be changed ofcourse.
2) situations that are yet to happen. 90% of which may not even occur in the first place.
So in both the situations fretting only leads to wastage of time to say the least.
The second and the more practical way to handle things is to think one day at a time. To deal with present issues. To focus on what’s happening to you right now than wonder what might happen to you in the future.
Because in both the situations the final outcome will remain the same. So it’s probably better to take the more fun way to the destination and enjoy the journey.
Did not give today’s exam and “liberated” is a very subtle way of putting how I feel right now. So this is it. This finally means I am quitting CA. Coming all the way but not giving the exam feels a bit odd. But I am trading it for an emotional closure. For a much needed emotional closure. Sometimes you don’t do certain things just because they are the logical thing to do. I think I know myself psychologically, especially now, pretty well.
And if I did give the exam I’d have still stuck on CA. Somewhere in my head I’d still wait for the result scheduled two months from now.
Honestly, I needed a QUIT sign. A no going back situation. Otherwise unintentionally the wait for the results would have hampered my efforts for seeking an alternative future.
I feel relieved. And free. Free from all the suffocation this course had been causing me.
I want to wake up a new person tomorrow. Someone who is not carrying an emotional baggage from the past. Someone who doesn’t focus on failures. Someone who is emotionally bang on strong.
I am getting there eventually. And I feel stronger by the second.
It ofcourse has been a shock to my mother. Even though I had expressed my desire to quit vocally, she somehow hoped I wouldn’t. And now with the exams skipped the reality of my decision is finally sinking in. She will get there. Gradually. But for the best.
Writing for the love of it. I have always loved writing my heart out even when I don’t have a way with words.
Recently my perspectives have changed. I have promised myself I won’t miss out on anything I want to do because of anything that I am supposed to do.
And right now, I want to write again. Have a regular blog just like old times.
So doing that.
Well, this was my personal blog but keeping in my immense laziness I decided not to keep two blogs and start my public blog from here itself. Thank God for WordPress’s feature of protecting posts.
Welcome aboard. 🙂
It’s been so long that I have been proud of myself. Years. And the lack of it in the recent times is depressing.